I have been sick since Friday. I started to feel some tightness in my chest and my throat that afternoon and just felt off.

Saturday I woke up with the same feeling and I felt tired and had developed a cough. I decided to tackle some laundry that needed to be put away and while I was doing that I started to ache. I took my temp and sure enough I had a low grade fever.

I made some soup and rested most of the day. The achiness got bad enough into the evening that I decided to take some ibuprofen. I usually avoid it if I can handle the pain. Once it kicked in I felt better but still so tired.

All day Sat. Z had a runny nose. Sat. night she did not sleep well at all, which means neither did I.

Sunday morning I didn't feel any worse and thought I was even feeling a bit better. Jorry even said I looked better. Then about an hour or so after that I started to feel worse. Fever was back. Jorry went out for some things so I could make a tea and have some other homeopathic remedies on hand. The trip would usually only take about an hour. It wound up taking almost 4 because of traffic being rerouted in the city!

Sunday evening I just couldn't handle the mess that surrounded me any longer. I had had some help but it was getting overwhelming again.

So I cleaned the kitchen, made some more tea, and then we headed to bed.

Woke at 1:20am to a fight between the bigs. Diffused that and went back to bed. Sleep eluded me. I noticed that Z wasn't as stuffy but could tell it had fallen into her chest.

I ran fever all night long. I think I got back to sleep around 3am.

Woke up with Emi and discovered that she had a temp, a cough and an upset stomach.

Ashlyn woke up and she is fine so far.

Then Z woke up and sounded like a seal.

I created a sweat lodge in the bathroom to help open up her airway some and she played with the bathtub letters.

She still has a cough but it isn't horrible. She is definitely breathing more freely than she was first thing this morning.

I now have head congestion to add to my list of symptoms.That started last night.

We are drinking giner and rosehip tea, taking echinacea, Vit. C, Vit D3, garlic, eating soup loaded with garlic and onions, and I am trying to focus on positive healing thoughts.

I hope everyone in your clan is well. We covet all prayers and positive thoughts. SiSi is supposed to have her birthday party Friday afternoon and a friend over that night. I would like to have everyone well by then!

This blog post and possibly a few more to follow are the account of my experience on the day that my dad passed away and the days following.

If you feel it might be too sensitive to read please do not read further.

This is part of my grieving process and I blog to I can get the thoughts out of my head.

I wake with a start, my cell phone is ringing and I can't find it. I am searching frantically for it not wanting to really answer it for fear of what the other person on the line might tell me. I find it finally, in my pants pocket, it's my sister Jill. Daddy is still alive. She was just checking on me and giving me an update.

I'm up now, can't go back to sleep. I get dressed and gather things for the littles while they still sleep. I think I had coffee with my grandparents and my mom and then as the littles woke I get the ready to go to the hospital with me.

Mom is hanging out with the big girls today. I'm grateful that her boss is so understanding and is letting her have the time off.

I'm out the door in a haze. Little are loaded.

I'm here but I'm not.

Van is parked and we are heading up to the oncology floor. I was born in this hospital. It is a lot larger and different than when I was born here.

When I get to the room my mom's pastor is in the room. He also works at the hospital. He's talking with daddy and daddy is nodding and responding still..that is good.

The room clears a bit and I go in with the littles so daddy can see them. They don't understand but I think daddy is glad to see them.

The day is spent in the small waiting room that is just across from his room. Quiet talking, in and out of the room. My sister has not left his room since the night before and she has been a wonderful advocate for my dad.

It's evident that daddy is declining. I find it hard to stay in the room.

At some point my sister, brother and myself are in his room and we are alone. Our stepmom and our maw maw are out getting something to eat. They hadn't left his side either and someone convinced them to get something to eat.

He's very restless. He reaches up to the mask to try to move it but he can't. The meds they gave him have made him anxious, the opposite of what it was supposed to do. He wants something but we can't figure it out. He keeps pointing and I offer him a blanket but I don't think it's what he wants. I'm wearing Ace in the sling and I am on the left side of the bed, my sister and brother are on the right. I'm not sure if anyone suggested it but we start praying the hardest prayer that any of us has ever had to pray in our lives.

I cannot bare to watch him suffer. No one should have to go through this.

Sometime after that my sister and brother go get something to eat. I am in the waiting room with my aunts. I don't remember any specific conversations. My uncle's wife Prisilla is there. She doesn't know me well but that doesn't stop her from being a great help to me from that day and through the days that are to follow.

Jill is back and she tells me that the nurse has let them know that daddy's kidney's are failing. Or maybe they told her before she went to eat. I know that this information is what makes me decide to have my mom bring the big girls to the hospital. I also call my cousin and ask her if she can come and get the littles and drive them around so they can sleep.

Prisilla convinces me to go get something to eat while I am waiting for the big girls to arrive.

I eat. Some people can't eat at times like this but I can. I feel guilty about that.

The bigs are here. Aly stays with Prisilla so she can eat and SiSi goes up to the room with my mom. I asked her to wait until I was up there to take the girls in to the room. I will regret that later.

My cousin calls me to let me know that she is in the parking garage. I take the littles out and install their car seats. I have them loaded in and I kiss them goodbye. As I am turning to close the door I lose my breath for no reason that I can think of. It catches me off guard but I don't say anything.

I'm heading back into the hospital and my cousin Jenn calls me. I'm updating her when I hear my name over the intercom system. I have no idea where to find a phone I can use. I pop my head into a room of cubicles and ask to use the phone. I call the operator and she tells me that I need to get back to the oncology floor.

I'm racing to the elevators. I push the button and it takes an eternity for the doors to open. I step on and my little sister and my stepmom's friend are there. We exchange glances but speak no words. I am wishing the elevator moved faster.

The elevator opens and my brother is hugging my aunt. I run past them and I am running as fast as I can to his room. I hear people crying. I see my mom holding SiSi in her lap and I turn into the room and he is gone. I hit the floor at the head of his bed and begin to cry and tell him that I love him and I tell him to breath and rest because now he can.

My granddaddy is trying to get me up off the floor. I can't hear him. I can't hear anything.

At some point I move to the door and I meet my oldest as she is getting to the room. My heart hurts because she and SiSi didn't get to tell him goodbye. I feel guilty. I'm holding her.

They decide to go in later and I remember Aly telling him goodbye.

He looks like he is just taking a nap. My brother thinks the same thing.

At some point the nurse tells us that we will need to leave. Leave, leave him so they can take him, leave. It doesn't seem right.

Somehow the littles are back with me, the bigs are loaded in and my little sister is with us too.

The rest of the day is a blur. It doesn't seem real. My heart hurts and I just want to go to sleep and wake up from the nightmare.

The following entry is an account of the day before my dad passed away. If you feel this might be too sensitive to read please do no read any further.

These are my thoughts and my feelings and I need them out of my head. This is my place to blog and this is my grieving process.

I'm tired from the long drive the day before and somewhat in disbelief that I am walking through what seems like a dream. Seeing my dad last night brought me to tears and complete silence. I had no words. I had never seen my dad so vulnerable...ever.

The plans for the day are to go clean the old apartment so that the keys can be turned over. Jill is working after spending all weekend getting the trailer ready for daddy, Michelle and Jessie to move into. Josh is around...I can't remember what he is doing I just know he is near.

The littles are with me. Now I remember where Josh is, he is purchasing the cleaning items that we need for the new place. Baking soda, vinegar, peroxide, no chemicals. Chemicals make it harder to breath. Daddy doesn't need to struggle anymore than he already is.

Michelle called me earlier to ask me if I could come sit with daddy while she went to get some medicine. I decline out of shear fear of something happening while I was there and not knowing what to do. I regret that to this day.

I came by to just check on dad and let them know I was heading out to the apartment. I had stopped at the health food store in town to look for something that I can't remember now.

When I finally got to the apartment I realized that I had forgotten the keys. So I turn around to go get them. By this time it is raining a heavy south Mississippi rain...wet and sticky at the same time. I parked the van in front of the house and told the littles I would be right back. When I walked in daddy was having trouble breathing. It was an episode like he had this past Saturday. I remember standing there watching him, feeling totally helpless to do anything. His eyes met mine and it was a signal that he needed more help than his meds were able to give. Earlier in the day the home health nurse left morphine. He asked for it, he needed it.

When it was clear that the morphine wasn't doing anything it was time to call the home health nurse. Michelle called her and I called Josh and Jill.

The drain tube for the fluid in his stomach has clogged and the nurses that arrive can't get it to work. Daddy is still struggling to breath. 911 is called.

The littles are scared and so I called my cousin Karyn to come get Emi, Ace stays with me. She had my older girls and my little sister Jessie. She was there so fast, freeing me up to concentrate on what was going on with daddy.

The ambulance arrives and the EMTs fill the living room of my sister's home. They are doing their job and putting daddy on the stretcher when I hear him say to them that he has a DNR order. My heart sinks and I feel sick to my stomach.

We call I love you as they take him out the door and into the ambulance. Rides are arranged and Jill and I are behind the ambulance.

We played a song on the way there and sang loud. I don't remember the song now I just know it kept us from totally breaking down.

We arrive at the ER and shortly after my maw maw,two aunts and my cousin are there. No words at first just hugs. We wait and each take our turn to go in and see daddy.

By the time I get back there the ER doctor has been able to get the fluid to drain and for the first time since I arrived home I see a glimpse of the dad that I have always known. There is some joking, he is smiling. The doctor comes in and he's wearing cowboy boots. I immediately think of Daddy Hat. I tell daddy that he's in good hands...any doctor that wears cowboy boots has to be a good doctor.

After a while it looks like things are better. They are waiting on a room to be ready and they will move him upstairs.

I decide to go home so Ace can go to sleep and so I can relieve my mom, who has had the kids since she got off of work.

No sooner am I back at my grandparents house and I get a call that I need to come back to the hospital NOW. I grab stuff for Emi and Ace, load them in the van and head back up. It's long 30min. drive.

I meet my brother back in the ER and he tells me that things went down hill, daddy was struggling to breath again. They needed to put a C-pac on him and he thought they were trying to keep him alive so he was fighting them. Josh said it was bad, I didn't ask him for details.

We are up on the 6th floor I think. Daddy is resting as well as he can. He is still concious but the meds make him very sleepy. I stay until 1am and then decide to head home. The littles aren't falling asleep like I thought they would.

We get home safely and I crash on the air matress with the littles snuggled beside me. I remember wishing that I would wake up and it would all be a dream.

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which
we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think
we cannot.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt

The anniversary of my dad's passing is coming up this month. I really hate using the word anniversary. It is by no means a celebration. I found myself wishing I could skip October all together. I know that isn't possible.

The pain is still there, it is still real. The absence is still overwhelming at times.

I opened my address book yesterday and his name and address are still there as if I am able to type out a letter and  mail it to him. I can't.

Two years.

Two years.

Two years without my dad. Two years of missing him, wishing that he was here to enjoy his grandkids,wishing we could joke.

Two years without his voice. I really wish I could hear his voice.

Two years of sharing memories instead of making them.

*On behalf of a friend who just lost her dad a month ago, and who's name I changed.

Dear friend and family members of Joy*,

Joy has recently lost her father. This was something that was totally unexpected. The same day he passed away she and her children had spent time with him like they did every day of their lives. They said goodbye and 20minutes later he was gone.

This is the first death she has dealt with in her life. She is grieving, as is to be expected. She is hurting. She is likely cycling through many emotions at a rate of speed that confuses her. She has probably felt angry, she is most definitely dealing with depression, and she is probably asking a lot of questions of the God that she loves.

Please listen to these next words closely. .......

SHE IS NOT LACKING FAITH!!!!!! Just because you have been able to grieve and move on in this short period of time does not mean you are of greater faith than she is. Just because she is dealing with panic attacks and worries that she has never dealt with in her life does not mean she lacks faith. It means that her daddy, the man that raised her, loved her and gave her great joy in her life is GONE and she can't figure out right now how to move forward with a GIANT PIECE OF HER HEART missing.

Get off your high horse and off your behind and make some meals for this mama of 4. Take it to her house and stay a while and help around the house. Listen to her as she shares her worries, concerns, and memories. Don't throw out scripture, pat her head, or poo poo what she is feeling. Instead tell her that you are there to listen, that you emphathize with her and then hold her so she can cry until she can't cry anymore. I have a feeling that that is what Jesus would do. I am more than damn sure he wouldn't be doing what you have been doing this last month....which is kicking someone who is already down.

Grief does not equal lack of faith. This could last a long time for her. That's ok. This first year is going to be hell on earth when it comes to Christmas, birthdays, and any other special dates that they shared.

If you insist she put on a happy face and just move on you will be part of creating a bigger problem. You already are with your judgement.

You don't have to understand,you just need to support her and love her unconditionally. It's all laid out for you in that book you carry with you, you know the BIBLE. It's time to stop beating people over the head with it and put it into action.

Pray for her, she needs it. Love her, she needs it. Be with her, she needs that too. And if you don't know what to say just say I am sorry and then let your actions speak of love and comfort.

Sincerely and quite a bit ticked off on behalf of my friend,

JoAnn

If you have been reading here any length of time then you know that we have a 6 year gap between our 2^nd and 3^rd daughters. We coined the term The Bigs and Littles when Ace, our 4^th daughter joined the family. In essence we have one big family with two different dynamics.

I have already seen my oldest two learn to read and the journey was sweet, easy and educational for me. Aly loved to be read to and would sit for a very long time to listen to just about any book I read out loud. This includes chapter books with no pictures. Being an avid reader this was wonderful for me.

Then SiSi came along and she was a different child. She preferred picture books and would wail in agony when I would sit down to read aloud from “chapter books”. If it didn’t have pictures she wasn’t having it. She was also not really big into sitting still while I read. She didn’t want to look at the pictures and turn the pages like Aly did. She would put puzzles together while I read.  I was amazed that later, even though she had been occupied with something else, she could talk about what I had read.

Aly learned to read mostly from being read too and playing games. SiSi learned from being read too and from “Reading Made Easy” by Valerie Bendt. She asked for a reading curriculum and so that is the path we chose. She would go through several lessons in a sitting, leave it for a few weeks, come back to it and then one day we both realized that she was reading and we hadn’t even finished the entire book.

There were no tears (ok, a few in the kindergarten stage before I loosened up), no huge struggles, just us flowing at their pace in the ways that they learned best.

Then there are the littles. I don’t think I’ll make it through the process of them learning to read. Reading aloud to them makes me want to pull my hair out. Seriously, the act of sitting down to read to them is something that I really want to look forward too. In reality though, I am mentally running in the opposite direction shouting “SAVE ME! SAVE ME!” There are no tranquil moments of reading while the children are quiet beside you or at your feet. When I read to the littles it looks more like I am trying to wrangle chickens. I can’t get through a sentence without someone asking a question about the picture on the page. Someone is usually trying to turn the page before I am ready or I can’t see to read because they are practically on top of the book trying to see the pictures. Then you throw a 1yo into the mix who thinks that the ripping of pages is the coolest sound on earth and you have one very stressed out and disillusioned mommy.  

I was pining for the days of old, remembering how wonderful it was and wondering why in the world it wasn’t that way now and it dawned on me. When I had the bigs there were three years between the two of them. Not to mention that SiSi was very content to play next to us instead of be in the same space with us and the book.

With the littles I have a 4, 2, and 1yo that are all acting very normal in their development, all at the same time!!!! A 4yo should be curious and ask questions. If it was just her I know I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. But it isn’t just her. Ace asks question too. She has no concept of sentences and the end of the page yet. Z thinks my lap belongs to only her so she constantly fights to remove her sisters from that space along with whatever book I happen to have there.

It is just different and I have a feeling that everything with the littles will be different. Closely spaced siblings are definitely a different dynamic than those that are spaced out.

I will have to be more creative, find different approaches to doing things and most definitely I will have to let go of preconceived ideas based on my past experiences and embrace the experiences that I get to have now in this moment.

Living and learning,

Jo-

A few months ago I began participating in a weekly photography project over at Erin's blog called "It begins with a color".

A couple of challenges ago we were challenged to embrace the blur. It seemed fitting as life right now seems like a blur. We aren't too sure of where we are going, we know where we want to go but our vision is limited by our humaness. The children all seem to be growing up so fast that and I wonder how I will ever remember them as babies when I am old and gray if I can't remember them now when I am young and  hardly gray at all?

While altering these pictures I realized that embracing the blur is just what I need to do. Life is life and it is meant to be lived and not avoided. It has high points and low points. Moments of clarity and moments that are so blurry it is scary.

 Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed~~ Corita Kent

And that's really all you can do.

Our van broke down today for the third time in a month.

The littles and I were headed to the park for a nature walk and some play time.

Fortunately, there was a gas station for me to pull into when it became apparent that the knocking noise I was hearing was not coming from the roadside construction.

We had it towed and we will find out Monday what we are dealing with.

I want to say thank you to the sweet couple that came over to see if they could help us out. Troy your understanding of engines was helpful even if it was bad news and I didn't get your girlfriend's name but thank you to her for chatting with the littles while I made phone calls etc.

Another thank you to the lady who works at the gas station(again I forgot to get a name)that came out to help me across the parking lot with my three kiddos, their 3carseats, and our bags. The girls enjoyed the sprite you brought them.

And a HUMONGEOUS thank you to my friend Carol who came to get us even though she is dealing with back pain. Please say a prayer for her if you are reading this. She is an awesome sweet spirit and a generous woman.

So we are focusing on what we can do.

I can begin our nature study with the littles.

Jorry is mowing.

He finished a revision on a drawing.

We can eat supper because we have food.

I can knit.

I can do laundry, clean my room and maybe even clean the bathroom.

You get the idea, there are lots of things we can do because what we can't do is fix the van or undo what has happened to it. We certaintly can't go get a new one so something else we can do is pray that this all falls into place the way it needs to.

And now I can go put Z down because she just nursed to sleep and that has to be the sweetest thing to experience on what began as a not so good day.

A Big and Little Update:

Going in order from oldest to youngest just for Robyn.

Aly:

·        Going through that hibernating stage.

·        Loves to shop and find good deals.

·        Will now mow for money.

·        Loves picnic for editing her photos

·        Growing up way too fast

·        Beautiful

·        Kind, compassionate and caring even though she pretends not to be.

·        Watched the movie Across the Universe and developed a liking for the music.

SiSi:

·        Loves to read outloud but gets frustrated with herself when she misses a word.

·        A big help with Zoe

·        Slowly losing the little girl features of her face.---I noticed that last night

·        Loves to cook but won’t eat anything she makes.

·        Loves the movie Julie and Julia

·        Loves country music

·        Sensitive

Emi:

·        Sensitive

·        Learning how to express her big emotions

·        Likes to read to me

·        Is learning to identify her letters

·        Loves to dance and play dress up

·        Still the leader of the Dynamic disaster duo

·        Likes to borrow the camera and take silly pictures and videos of herself

·        A true cuddle bug

Ace

·        Our loud child

·        Loves her sisters and tells them often

·        Loves to play in the sand

·        Uses silks to turn herself into a princess everyday

·        Loves to eat

·        Still nursing

·        Wants to do everything herself

·        Loves to give hugs and kisses

Z.

·        WALKING….has been for a month now

·        1yo!!!!!!! That flew by faster than whatever is really fast.

·        Waves hi and bye

·        Claps

·        Says hi

·        Puts everything in her mouth..I will be glad when that phase is over!

·        Follows her big sisters where ever they go.

·        Has no fear

·        Loves to give kisses

·        Runs to greet whoever is coming in the front door

·        Has 6 teeth and is working on a couple of molars

·        Tries solid food here and there

·        Still nursing